I stare at the blue sky.. so near it seems today. Something runs through my mind; dont know what exactly it is. Feels like someone's pushing me. Not a fall but just an urge to find something beyond. But beyond what? life, death, past, future..oh! So philosophical it all sounds. But then there is something. Right there.. which cannot be seen easily but has to be felt to be perceived. I feel it right here, within me. A force that sometimes pushes me hard to look for something..; something beyond and that what I cant specify. I may define it as peace, calmness, satisfaction but no its something way beyond that. An inner strength so strong that just helps me to flow.
How many people will have had the same feeling as mine? Very few or a lot maybe. Even so most of them would have just diminished it as a passing thought or a sign of stress due to pending office work which needs to be completed over the weekend.
Gazing then into the unknown sea of my soul, I see a few islands - ideas, thoughts, feelings all that have been developed, felt, scattered over a period of time in the closed space of my mind room. The thought of exploring them has never striked me before. Not because of lack of curiosity..oh I have plenty of that, but just one plain notion..Fear. But now it seems different. The waves which travel all the way just to touch the golden sand and spill on the sea shore urge me to walk through them, to feel the cold sand beneath my feet, to listen to the melody the breeze carries and above all to just be myself or rather find the true me. The urge is so strong that I drag myself just to touch the surf but end up wading through the waves on an unknown journey of discovery. On the way, I come across angry tides whose fury lashes my vision, currents so strong that make me loose my balance but I keep rowing knowing that the journey I have set on is not defined by a course but will gradually find my way as the sails turn in the direction of the wind, as the storm passes a clear sky will emerge. A sign that only my heart may find.
Soon enough, a fear grips my spine as I find myself all alone in the midst of the ocean with no visibility of land on the horizon. I cant turn back. I have to keep rowing forward or else I will be lost in the middle of nowhere. At that very moment a series of images flash in front of my eyes. What if I really got lost and end up in the middle of the ocean for whats remaining of my life, till maybe someone sailing by comes and finds reduced pieces of thin bones. Or land someplace on a remote island to find different beings gazing at me with loving eyes. Better still, I keep on rowing my boat and go on till my very last breath; exploring and not getting caught up in the web of failure or success, happy or sad spells. Otherwise so called life wouldnt have any meaning at all.
Shaken and disturbed by these thoughts though, I surprisingly find a strength and courage I didnt know I possess.. They helped me to venture and look deep within myself.
Maya ....with the sun setting over the horizon and the twilight sublimely giving way to a beautiful night, she' s standing all to herself. The sky now looking down upon her smiling..
An out of season roar of thunder makes her stance shudder and she feels an instinctive need to run but a voice within tells her to stop. I have to let go, she murmurs to herself and having said that lets herself be carried by the wind and flow with it in any which direction it pleases. Feeling its fragrance and eventually merging into it. She no longer tries to control the thoughts as they themselves decide to pour. She merely just chooses to obseve them as an outsider and smile.
